Finding Peace

For the past couple of days I have been lacking on all levels, energy, patience, faith, love, enthusiasm, passion, and what ever else the human mind and body needs to survive in a healthily manner.  It is so easy to start letting everything build up, to get so consumed with the overall immensity of a situation that you loose your meaning.  You become totally overtaken by it all and every little thing that piles on top even the smallest things feel like a ton of bricks just further weighing you down.  It is a terrible feeling on these days. I have felt helpless and useless at the same time.  At a time when I want to make every moment I have on this earth count to the fullest, when I want to embrace my children, and appreciate all of my loved ones.  While at the same time I am the most irritable, angry, inpatient, and often overly emotional person.  I struggle to find balance, as I long to enjoy each moment with my children I also find that my patience level with them tends to very short sometimes, little things make me irritated and more likely to snap at them, which then leads to feelings of guilt.  A cycle that is not conducive to creating balance and peace.  See now I feel like making sure that anyone who is reading this, including me who is reading it back to myself (which if your writing for therapy you should not do) should know that I usually have wonderful time with my kids, but have had some moments that just make me feel horrible.  Last night for example, we were at the dinner table.  We have a rule in our house that no one leaves the table until we are all done eating.  So anyhow sometimes the kids just take forever, especially if they have something on their plate that they are avoiding.  (which happens to be quite often lately, as we are trying to introduce new foods, that are often shunned).  Last night Kindrick and Kimber were taking forever, im serious way to long.  Finally I was just like "oh my gosh are you serious....I have better things to do then sit at this table all night long, this is ridiculous!!!!"  but I actually yelled it and I was really pissed off.  Kindrick leaned over and whispered into kimbers ear "wow mom is really mad!"  She looked at him and said "yep she is."  I looked right at both of them and was like "Yes I am your right!"  Then instantly I felt like total shit.  Both their smiling faces looking at me even though I had just snapped their heads off.  I mean really was it that big of a deal??  How long would they be this little sitting at the table with me?  Soon they will be shoving the food down their throats just to hurry out the door.  I had just been at a really low place mentally all day and the got the brunt of my emotional low.  The amount of anger and emotional baggage im carrying around right now is huge, and I seem to be having a hard time reigning it all back in.  I am aware of this and last night took some time alone to reflect.  It sounds corny but watching Obama win the presidency was really emotional for me.  Watching all of those people who may have nothing in common except for voting for him, they were so happy, and empowered.  You could feel the power of the hope that was running through our country.  In my lifetime I have not experienced that feeling, it was very powerful.   It gave me a charged feeling,  I woke up this morning early enough to have some time before the kids get up.  I meditated, I thought about my past couple difficult days and thanked God for getting me through them, thanked the people who are there like solid rocks always there to help, I envisioned how I can make my days better, how I want to be towards my children, I thought about how precious they are and the fact that they are going through so much themselves.  I gave my self credit for the strength and courage that I have had, and I forgave myself for moments when I have acted in ways that I am not proud of lately.  Looking towards the difficult day I know I have ahead I asked God to help me look at the positive.  Even though I have to take my father to difficult and painful doctors appointments, at least I will be by his side.  I cannot dread the days ahead, but must find peace and happiness in each day.